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5th Annual DWTS Rankdown: Speed Run Edition


Alex95

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Mark Cuban

 

Mark Cuban is a billionaire and I think that means that we are legally obligated to literally eat him and take his money and retroactively push his ranking back to the 200s. TBH I think I could do a better job of owning the Dallas Mavericks. At the very least I wouldn't let a culture of sexual assault run rampant through the organization for 20+ years. And this man is typically looked favorably upon as a sports team owner (LOLOLOLOLOLOL Sports Ownership! A bane on this country!). Mark Cuban would love to be the next Billionaire president so he could enact his "socially liberal but fiscally conservative" policies all over this country. PAY YOUR TAXES SIR. I guess he is doing the opposite of noted hated billionaire Martin Shkreli and setting up a company that sells generic prescriptions closer to at cost than many other pharmacies (however, if you have decent health insurance you are still probably better off buying through your insurance than Cost Plus! The medical care in this country is freakED UP!).

 

Anyway, he is famous for Shark Tank. Accumulating like the most fines in the NBA of any owner. And being on season 5 of DWTS. He was paired with Kym and they were eliminated 5th. I guess that's why years later Robert got paired with Kym allowing her to SECURE THE BAG.

 

He's still a billionaire though. So we should eat him and spit out his bones.

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Probably my most ~*gutsy*~ and ~*controversial*~ cut, thus far, but it is what it is considering that I've lost some top faves like everyone else so might as well join the party for now - oops, I am already responsible for her getting cut from the rankdown.  As we all know, Mirai Nagasu is a figure skater who is best known for being the first American female skater to successfully landing the Triple Axel at the Olympics in 2018.  Like many Olympians that participated at the 2018 Olympics, she joined the Athlete Season with her best friend, Adam Rippon.  I've made it clear that I hated the concept & the format of the season as I feel it limited some celebrities, and I do think that Mirai was a victim as I think that we know that she would have nailed a full-on season. That being said, with what we saw, which was a total of 3 routines, I was expecting more from her?  She wasn't a terrible dancer but I unfortunately I just didn't connect with her ; Although I didn't connect with anyone from that season.  Anyway, apologies to any fans of hers on DWTS but it's unfortunately the name of the game.

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Simone Biles

 

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Legendary gymnast Simone Biles is my next choice to cut.  I said it when I cut Nastia, that there are some gymnasts that I really am invested in when they are on the show, and then there are others where I find them overhyped.  I take nothing away from her gymnastic accolades, but as a dancer I really wanted her to be better then she was.  She came into this season as my second favorite, behind Heather, and she kept dropping down the list even past Rashad and Nancy by the end of the season.  She did have a couple of performances with Sasha that I really thought were brilliant.  Her How Far I'll Go contemporary was one of my favorite performances of the season.  But that was a contemporary, and it should have received a perfect score.  She didn't get a perfect score until the semifinals when she was eliminated.  I really thought her Rumba stood out in a big way and was another performance that I rewatch.  The said, nothing else she did this season had me invested at the level Normani and Val had me. Despite my cut she still finished with the third highest average of the season and made it all the way to the semifinals, so still had a great season even if I wasn't a huge fan.

 

Most importantly though was the moment she told the judges Smiling didn't win gold medals.  Truly an iconic moment in reality tv history.

 

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Kenny "Babyface" Edmonds

 

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Kenneth Brian "Babyface" Edmonds is an R&B singer/songwriter that won eleven Grammy awards. His album called Tender Lover went triple platinum. He has written songs for Whitney Houston, Eric Clapton, Michael Jackson, Boyz II Men, Mariah Carey, P!nk, Beyoncé, and many others. He was on Season 23 of Dancing with the Stars and his partner was Allison Holker. He danced a Foxtrot, Argentine Tango, Jive, and Tango before he was eliminated in 11th place.  I remember not being able to vote for him because I didn't think he was very good. I was hoping to be able to support Allison's partners, but sadly, I didn't think any of them danced well enough for me to vote for them.

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Elisabetta Canalis

Elisabetta Canalis Fails to Impress on DWTS | Italy Magazine

 

Please someone correct me if I'm wrong. But I'm pretty sure that she was cast based solely on the fact that she dated George Clooney. She was with George for about 2 years until summer 2011, and then showed up on DWTS in fall 2011. I'm looking at her other credits like modeling and presenting and acting and I don't see anything that appears to amount to enough to be on DWTS, even by this show's basement casting standards. In any case, she was on DWTS Season 13 and was paired with Val. Aww, this was Val's first partner. Well she was the second boot of the season. So it's time to say goodbye.

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Vanilla Ice

 

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Continuing my trend of cutting bad dancers who slipped through the cracks because people couldn't resist being petty, I am cutting Vanilla Ice. He is a rapper who appeared on season 23, partnered with Witney Carson. And as I said, he was a bad dancer. He scored: a 25 for his Cha-Cha, a 26 for his Foxtrot, a 23 for his Paso Doble and a 23 for his Viennese Waltz. His first 3 dances were scored by a 4-judge panel and if you're not scoring in at least the high 20's from the get-go and then eventually score in the 30's with 4 judges, you're not good. The 23 was with a 3-judge panel and he definitely did not deserve those 8's, Carrie Ann and Bruno. Of course, he had to dance to his own song so they got that out of the way at the beginning with his Cha-Cha to "Ice Ice Baby". They probably figured he wasn't going to last long and didn't want to miss out on the opportunity to have him dance to it. He was the 4th celebrity eliminated. Season 23 having 4 male celebs who were bad dancers all being the first 4 eliminated was amazing. He also has a whole section on Wikipedia titled "Legal Issues" which includes being arrested for assaulting his wife in 2001 and being arrested again in 2008 for battery for kicking and hitting his wife, but she claims he only pushed her. So yeah, he can go.

Edited by *Amanda
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Margaret Cho

 

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Margaret Cho is a stand-up comedian, actress, LGBT social activist and musician (which is new to me??) who competed on the 11th season of Dancing with the Stars, where she was partnered with Louis van Amstel. Margaret was someone who I liked and was a fan of before she did the show. I remember liking her and finding her funny on some shows and interviews I've seen of her. I was looking forward to her time on the show but sadly she was quite disappointing on the show. :( Her dancing wasn't the best and her run didn't really standout. On Week 1, she performed one of the strangest Viennese Waltzes to "We Are the Champions," which had a concept I didn't really get. I think a caterpillar into a butterfly kind of storyline? That dance scored a 15, where she was tied with The Situation for the lowest score of the night. On Week 2, she danced a Jive to "Dreaming," which scored an 18. I thought this was a cute, fun dance and this was my favorite dance of hers. She did look down a bit but she was having fun, which was good. On Week 3, she danced a Samba to "Copacabana," which also scored an 18. She dedicated this dance to the LGBTQ community and that was a really nice and touching sentiment there. Sadly, Margaret was eliminated the following night, where she placed 10th for that season. I wouldn't have minded her lasting another week on the show but I was also fine with her leaving when she did. She made it to the Top 150 mark, which is fantastic, but I think this is a good point for her to go now.

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Chris Mazdzer

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Chris Mazdzer is a celebrity from the athletes edition of He DWTS. That season was pointless but it gave Jenna a mirror-ball so I guess I shouldn't complain. Why is Whitney always getting terrible dancers named Chris? lol. anyway he is a American lugerr. Somehow he got a 9 for a very basic Viennese Waltz lol I guess that is what happens when you are a white male on this show so I should not be surprised. He should not be here longer than Adam and Mirai  so that is a bit of a joke so I will cut him now and give us another season winner in Arike Ogunbowale, congrats Megan who I think stans her! Bye to another basic white male who was over scored, there were a lot of them.

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