Star Wars Characters Rankdown

[Alex95]

You giveth Jar Jar Binks and taketh Jar Jar Binks

[Alex95]

Save Sy, Wicket, Shmi

Cut Biggs, Droopy, Jerjerrod

[FrogLenzen]

James Earl Jones as Darth Vader saying “No… I am your father” is undisputedly the most iconic moment in all of Star Wars. Biggest twist of the series. And one of the most iconic moments and biggest twists in all of cinema. That’s not even an exaggeration. This moment is permanently in the cultural zeitgeist until the end of recorded human history. It was a big deal. Part of what made Star Wars have lasting success and what makes Empire Strikes Back most peoples’ #1 entry in the franchise. 

 

So when George Lucas was planning his prequels, why didn’t he attempt another huge moment? Why didn’t he go all out and do something incredible and surprising and gaggy for the second trilogy? Well, I believe that he did plan something for Episode II. Something that would have gone down in Star Wars and film history as one of the most insane mind-blowing plot twists ever. Listen to him say in this iconic clips that he wanted the prequels to “rhyme” with the originals:

 

 

But I believe that after Episode I came out, he was faced with unexpected criticism and chickened out. So what was the big reveal planned for Episode II?

 

 

Darth Jar Jar

 

This write-up is based on a legendary reddit thread which outlines a conspiracy theory about Star Wars. The thread was created as part of the Sequel Trilogy speculation at the time, and honestly maybe the author was only half-serious, maybe it was meant to be a little funny. But after reading the theory and the comments and the replies I personally am 100% absolutely deadly serious that I believe this conspiracy to be true with all my being. No one will ever be able to convince me that this isn’t all real. The evidence is there. 

 

George Lucas says so himself before he knew what the reaction to Episode I would be:

 

“JAR JAR IS THE KEY TO ALL OF THIS.” - George Lucas

 

So what does Jar Jar appear to be in Episode I? He is tall and has a ridiculous voice/cadence who is somehow involved in the adventures with all the main characters even though he’s totally random. There’s slapstick, physicality that seems to be attempts at humor for kids. He has over-the-top mannerisms and reactions. He is super lucky for no reason besides apparent plot armor. Basically, he’s annoying and doesn’t seem to serve any purpose.

 

How was he received by audiences? Poorly. People thought that he was just there to appeal to kids and sell merchandise. But even kids didn’t like him. He took you out of the scene. Made you roll your eyes. Seemed like the totally wrong tone for the film. Everyone thought he was obnoxious. He became one of the most universally hated film characters ever. 

 

In a Reddit AMA with the actor who played Jar Jar, he said this:  

 

In the first Star Wars movie, Obi Wan says this: 

 

 

 

What if Jar Jar’s antics were carefully included and choreographed? What if we aren’t seeing Jar Jar be lucky, but instead seeing extreme skill and deftness masked as a bungling fool? What if all of the physicality was a huge intentional facade by the character?

 

Jedi are inspired by Shaolin Monks. There is a little-known kung-fu discipline that seems to match a lot of what Jar Jar does in the films. It’s called Zui Quan, AKA Drunken Boxing AKA Drunken Fist. This discipline seeks to imitate seemingly random foibles of a drunkard, but in reality the staggering and stumbling is the use of bodily momentum, deception, and unpredictability intended to lure and confuse opponents.

 

https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Drunken_boxing 

 

Take a look at some comparisons: 

 

https://imgur.com/iwyx6Ow

https://imgur.com/K4PsJGY

https://imgur.com/v6uyh37

https://imgur.com/Zr73LED

https://imgur.com/HB9eSmh

https://imgur.com/Hc05jWp

https://imgur.com/lkOEzVb

https://imgur.com/v6uyh37

https://imgur.com/3eAlX8a

https://imgur.com/JaFtk56

 

SO WHAT DOES THIS MEAN??? Are you saying that all the shots of Jar Jar accidentally surviving battles and landing hits was all actually SKILL by the character? What if we take it a step further and suggest that not only is he trained in martial arts, but also is a force user??? Let’s go step by step through Jar Jar’s appearances in the film and uncover the clues.

 

Jar Jar is introduced when QGJ lands on Naboo, and he so happens to land EXACTLY where Jar Jar is and Jar Jar “freaks out” and grabs onto QGJ. Literally the very first thing to happen on Naboo. After we already see that Palpatine knows exactly who they are and where they are going. What if Jar Jar knew exactly where QGJ would land because he was force sensitive? What if he immediately attaches himself to the Jedi and insists on being their servant and then takes them to his hidden city BECAUSE HE IS AN AGENT OF PALPATINE? REMINDER: PALPATINE IS FROM THE PLANET NABOO.

 

When Jar Jar arrives in the hidden city, take note: he is immediately arrested and taken to the top leader. Arrested using electric zapping spears. The Gungans don’t handcuff or spear the Jedi at all. Why would they treat Jar Jar as this huge threat if he was just banished for being annoying/clumsy? What if the Gungans know that there is something much more sinister about Jar Jar? And then later Jar Jar is only released because QGJ “saved his life” but what if the whole saving thing was something Jar Jar arranged as part of being there at the exact location when the Jedi arrived?

 

So why exactly was Jar Jar banished? He says it’s because he is clumsy. Had an accident. Obi Wan doesn’t even buy it when Jar Jar says that, but they move on and are attacked by a fish. “There’s always a bigger fish,” QGJ says. You cannot tell me this wasn’t foreshadowing about Jar Jar and Palpatine. Then when they are aimlessly navigating the deep waters, QGJ says “The force will guide us,” and then Jar Jar goes into a “coma” and they suddenly arrive EXACTLY WHERE royal city where the queen is. Yeah, the force will guide you. Via Jar Jar, a super strong force user. We see in the other prequels that the Jedi have lost the ability to sense the dark side of the force, and I think this includes Jar Jar’s abilities. 

 

So they are at the royal city in Naboo and Jar Jar and the 2 Jedi are sneaking around. TAKE A LOOK AT THIS NEXT SEQUENCE:

 

https://imgur.com/80JcW4n

 

They are sneaking around, with Jar Jar just as effortlessly stealthy as the Jedi, and then they decide to attack. Here, Jar Jar "accidentally" botches his leap from the balcony. A few frames later, he is seen dropping from the opposite side of the balcony, which would seem to be quite be impossible without a force assisted jump and/or force sprint of some kind.

 

Now as I said, we see Jar Jar catch hold of the balcony on the far right side, but then he drops to the ground on the far left. Easy to dismiss as a continuity or framing error... except that one of the droids continues to fire on Jar Jar's initial position, even as we see him drop elsewhere!

 

https://imgur.com/zKP78NC

 

See the droid that comes charging up, right behind the one QGJ chops down? What's he shooting at up there?? And see its head swing back towards Jar Jars new position after the shot? You can also see another droid behind it tracking Jar Jar with its head, and manage a shot on the new position. This means that the animators knew very well where Jar Jar was supposed to be- dangling from the balcony over QGJ’s left shoulder- and purposefully animate the droids tracking his inexplicably fast movement elsewhere.

 

So what are we looking at here? Jar Jar has purposefully split the attention of the enemies by grabbing on to the balcony as he falls, and then, using the force, pulled up to land in an unexpected place. Guess where we have seen this move before? Luke Skywalker does it on Jabba’s Barge in Episode VI. Obi Wan does it in his battle later in this very film with Darth Maul.

 

Let’s keep going. They keep bringing him along even when they meet up with the QUEEN when they could easily say “hey thanks for navigating us through the water perils, see you later.” Where else do they inexplicably keep Jar Jar? When they escape Naboo and go to Tatooine. When QGJ leaves the ship to go search for the spare parts to repair the ship, on a desert planet, WHY DOES HE TAKE JAR JAR ALONG? Even Obi Wan is left behind at the ship. QGJ objects to the “handmaid” coming, but not Jar Jar? He’s an amphibian on a desert planet and says the sun is murdering his skin, but QGJ still brings him along. PERHAPS BECAUSE JAR JAR NEEDS TO COME ALONG.

 

And check this out: 

 

Tell me that wasn’t intentional!!! You can’t!!!!! Jar Jar wants the queen to come along. So she can meet Anakin and make him smitten and kick start his entire storyline and downfall!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

 

So they meet Anakin and have no luck getting parts, but right before they walk away Jar Jar causes a scene with the food and makes Sebulba mad and Anakin come back outside, and that’s when Anakin sees the lighstaber for the first time and offers to shelter them and introduces them to his mother. What a lucky series of events! OR WAS IT JAR JAR ACTING PURPOSEFULLY??? C3PO even says Jar Jar is very odd right after we see him. And later when Padme reveals that she is not a handmaiden and is actually the queen, Jar Jar has basically no reaction. We don’t get an over-the-top stupid dramatic gasp or anything from him. Because he knew all along! 

 

 

Let’s back up a bit. When talking about Yoda’s appearance in Empire Strikes Back, George Lucas says: "Yoda really comes from a tradition in mythological storytelling- fairy tales- of the hero finding a little creature on the side of the road that seems very insignificant and not very important, but who turns out to be the master wizard, or the master thing..."

 

And we know that his intention with the prequel was that they were intended to "rhyme" and mirror the original trilogy in terms of general narrative themes. So there should have been a seemingly innocent creature found on the side of the road that later reveals itself as a major player. What if that’s how he was setting up Jar Jar? Palpatine secretly being Darth Sidius and the eventual Emperor is NOT a big reveal to the audience, because we are going into the prequels knowing that. And look at Darth Maul. Wears a huge black cloak, tattooed, horns, red and black skin. The most obvious of obvious villains. Where is the big reveal?

 

So here’s the crux of the theory:

 

I think that Jar Jar being a sith was intended to be THE big reveal for Episode II. The moments from Empire Strikes Back (“I am your father” moment and “oh wow this Yoda swamp guy is actually a Jedi master” moment) combined into one big reveal. Jar Jar was the Prequels equivalent and Dark Side equivalent to Yoda. Even going by their character designs, they kind of look like opposites of each other. Yoda is short, stubby, has ears that point up, and is green. Jar Jar is tall, lanky, has ears that fall down and is red, a color that contrasts with green. The Episode II giant moment would be the reveal followed by the Yoda lightsaber battle. If you remember, Yoda using the lightsaber was basically THE moment used in all the previews for this movie, so that was definitely planned as the climax of the film. 

 

How would it work exactly? Episode II is about the Separatist movement gaining steam and being the catalyst to the Republic/Jedi getting the Clone Army (which is later their downfall) and setting off the Clone Wars between the Republic (Clones) and the Separatists (droids).  I think that instead of Count Dooku (more on him later) being the Separatist leader, it would have been a mysterious individual known as Darth [Something] whose identity is unknown until the climax at the end when it’s revealed to be Jar Jar. Think about it. The Phantom Menace ends with the Jedi Council realizing that there must be another Dark Side force user who was with Darth Maul, so a mysterious Dark Side Separatist would make perfect sense to draw their attention. And who was the Senator that gave Palpatine the emergency powers that he later uses to take over the whole republic? OH LOOK, IT WAS JAR JAR BINKS. All according to their master plan. 

 

So what happened instead????

 

I think that after the vitriolic response to Jar Jar in Phantom Menace, George Lucas chickened out. He couldn’t risk it. His entire franchise was relying on a big reveal and lightsaber duel between Yoda and JAR JAR BINKS. What if people hated it as much as they hated Jar Jar? I think they sat down at a table and discussed and decided that it was simply too much. The sad part is that I personally think it would have been brilliant. Iconic. Made Episode II (which is garbage) a much better film. Maybe even redeem Phantom Menace a little bit. 

 

So what did they do instead? Push Jar Jar aside, leave him in the dust, and pretend he was just a failed attempt at comic relief. Instead of a big reveal for the leader of the Separatists in Episode II, they’d just cast a new villain and show him from the start. Obviously you cast the iconic Christopher Lee to be your villain and try to save your franchise. And this is why I think that Count Dooku is the most random character in Star Wars. He appears out of the blue in the opening crawl of Episode II that says “the mysterious Count Dooku” bitch who?? He is shoehorned into the plot with no backstory and was meant to just cover the plot holes that Jar Jar left. The end climactic battle between Yoda and Dooku is so lame because WHO EVEN IS THIS GUY? 

 

Suddenly there’s another Jedi out there who defected from the Council? In Episode II they say that Count Dooku was QGJ’s former master, BUT IN THE PHANTOM MENACE THEY SAY THAT QGJ’S MASTER WAS SOMEONE WHO HAD SPENT 900 YEARS IN THE ORDER, AKA YODA. Then in Episode II after they abandon the Jar Jar plot, Count Dooku is here and suddenly Count Dooku was Yoda’s apprentice and was QGJ’s master. They tried to make Count Dooku compelling with these details and with Christopher Lee and showing up from the start, but I think it just is more evidence that this wasn’t planned originally. 

 

AND TO TOP IT ALL OFF, RIGHT AFTER THE REDDIT THREAD WAS POSTED, THE JAR JAR BINKS ACTOR TWEETED: 

 

 

 

So there you have it. The Darth Jar Jar theory. That I 100% fully believe. And to play off of the legend, in the upcoming Lego Star Wars Mini-Series on Disney Plus, a kind of “What If” for Star Wars, they are including the concept of Darth Jar Jar!!!

 

 

 

And now Jar Jar is cut. As a lament to what could/should have been. Since they never made Darth Jar Jar into fruition, he’s stuck forever as the annoying stupid character from Episode I and must be cut from the rankdown.

 

Save Bib Fortuna

[Alex95]

Biggs Darklighter

After cutting countless generic rebel pilots, it is my honor to now cut slightly less generic rebel pilot. Honestly, it's a miracle this guy was a rebel because with the last name "Darklighter", it seems like he was destined for the darkside. That's like a last name JK Rowling could give to an evil Harry Potter character. Except she would find a way to make it more racist probably. But Biggs was a good guy! He grew up on Tatooine with Luke and the two of them dreamed of escaping their tiny planet. They were excited to reunite when they bumped into each other at the rebel base. Luke was so excited to catch his buddy up on all his adventures! But an audience member should know better that means he's doomed to be killed. And that's exactly what happens. In the big Episode 4 battle he's gunned down by Darth Vader. Amongst countless random rebel deaths you don't know much about so don't really react to, they have to kill the one guy they gave some characterization to so you can feel something during the battle scene. There had to be some sort of stakes! So Bigg has a cool mustache and provided those stakes. Deserving of making it to this cycle for that reason, but also doesn't need to make it much further.

 

Save Sy Snootles

[Alex95]

Oh

[Alex95]

I'll have to save reading that one for after work I think.

[Alex95]

Droopy McCool

So I saved this guy a few times because I thought he was the cool blue elephant looking guy in the Max Rebo Band. Turns out, that's Max Rebo himself. Max absolutely should've beat Droopy. I mean, it's his band! I should've known better and I should've been saving Max and not Droopy. That's on me for not doing my research well enough. But if Max can't be the highest ranked from his band, it should be the ICON herself Sy Snootles so I'm happy to make that happen here. I like the Max Rebo band, as I'm sure you can tell since I have multiple hot takes on the members of the band here. Idk, I know Episode 6 was controversial when it came out with the Ewoks and the band. It was very un-Star Wars. And maybe a precursor for worse things to come (i.e. Binks, Jar Jar). But watching as a kid, I thought it was all very fun and made me smile! And that's what's important.

Anways, Droopy is not one of the stars of the band in my eyes. He plays some sort of clarinet thingy. From what I'm reading, he was  used to seedy dives and gigs for unsavory clients, but the depravity he saw in Jabba's court shocked even him. So I guess there's some sort of humanity there. Idk, just not one of the members of the band I was drawn to. Weird name too. Just feels a bit too "in on the joke" idk how to explain it.

 

Save Wicket Wystri Warrick

[totes4totes]

2 minutes ago, Alex95 said:

Max absolutely should've beat Droopy

I've only not been cutting Droopy because you kept saving him!!!!!!!!

[totes4totes]

omigod it's so long. @FrogLenzen wasn't kidding

[Alex95]

8 minutes ago, totes4totes said:

I've only not been cutting Droopy because you kept saving him!!!!!!!!

[Alex95]

Moff Jerjerrod

A thorn in the side of both Vader and Palpatine, Jerjerrod was tasked with construction of the second Death Star in Episode 6. Unfortunately these cuts from me ended up being an attack on the original trilogy, but my saves are also mainly original trilogy so it makes up for it.  I do love the drama amongst the baddies. Usually generic Moff isn't doing a task the way Vader likes so he chokes him out a little. One of the million things Andor does really well is demonstrate just how pointless a lot of the pencil pushers who are fiercely loyal to the Empire are. This guy did have some skill as he was in charge of creating this infamous Death Star. But if Vader wanted to, he could've force strangled him and just forgotten he existed by the next day. He died when the Death Star blew up as he was aboard. Lolpwned.

 

Save Shmi Skywalker

[totes4totes]

i'm gonna say. they should have made jar jar not a racist caricature. lol.

[Erestor]

Ok @FrogLenzen wins the award for the most iconic write-up yet

Never heard of the Darth Jar Jar Binks theory but it’s hilarious  Now it all makes sense!!

 

Also lol @ @Alex95 saving Droppy because he thought he was Max Rebo

Edited July 10 by Erestor

[FrogLenzen]

39 minutes ago, totes4totes said:

i'm gonna say. they should have made jar jar not a racist caricature. lol.

In this second write-up I will now explain why Jar Jar is a racist caricature and how the prequels led to multiple actors contemplating suicide and why George Lucas having full control of the prequels was a disastrous mistake and how his first wife editing the OT is the reason for the success of the franchise:

[FrogLenzen]

Jar Jar write-up threw off my whole week lmao I still have more to do in here

[FrogLenzen]

Supreme Chancellor Valorum

 

This guy is a loser. The political procedures in the Star Wars prequels are admittedly wild, and this guy got the short end of the stick. It seems like with this government if literally anyone makes any type of random motion or petition that it immediately gets granted lmao. This guy was in charge at the beginning of Episode I and was there when the Trade Federation attacked Naboo (in secret) causing Queen Amidala to personally show up in session. She was mad that they wanted to investigate her allegations against the Trade Federation rather than help her quickly, so she moved for a vote of no confidence. And he made the face you see above and that was it for his involvement in the plot. They didn't even show the votes being counted, it was instant. Toast. Palpatine took over after that, whoops. He had more to do behind the scenes during the Clone Wars but nothing I'm seeing that is super interesting.

 

Save Nebit

[FrogLenzen]

Beru Lars

 

Uncle Owen and Aunt Beru didn't deserve their fate. But those action figures are hilarious. Owen Lars is Anakin's step brother. After Anakin was abducted saved by the Jedi, his mom Shmi was still enslaved. She was eventually bought/freed by a gentleman named Cliegg Lars and he married Shmi. Seems like a conflict of interest there but we'll hope that Shmi was enthusiastic about it all. Cliegg already had a son from his late wife. So Owen married Beru and they are the ones who took in Luke Skywalker after Padme died in childbirth. Obi Wan stayed nearby to kind of observe everything but he had no real involvement in Luke's upbringing. Owen and Beru did it all. And as we all know, they were killed in firey skeletal fashion when stormtroopers tracked R2 to their house. 

 

Save Nute Gunray

[FrogLenzen]

Grand Moff Tarkin

EV-9D9

Ki-Adi-Mundi

Plo Koon

Rugor Nass

Dexter Jettster

 

remaining!

[Steven_]

Reminder for @Erestor.

 

Of course anyone else can step in too since it's past the deadline.

[FrogLenzen]

That whole write-up and not a word from Steven smh... I just want him to tell me I'm pretty is that so much to ask 

[Steven_]

1 minute ago, FrogLenzen said:

That whole write-up and not a word from Steven smh... I just want him to tell me I'm pretty is that so much to ask 

 

 

Me before reading the write-up: Darth Jar Jar? That's funny. 

 

Me after reading the write-up: 

[totes4totes]

if patryk doesn't make the cut/saves before i get home from PT (so in about 6 hours probably) i'll do them!

[Erestor]

13 minutes ago, totes4totes said:

if patryk doesn't make the cut/saves before i get home from PT (so in about 6 hours probably) i'll do them!

Lol for some reason I thought I had already made them   Feel free because I probably won’t have time until tomorrow!

[totes4totes]

save: Grand Moff Tarkin, Rugor Nass, Dexter Jettster

cut: EV-9D9, Ki-Adi-Mundi, Plo Koon

 

 

 

 

[Alex95]

I’ve been v busy but I’ll try to help speed this along tomorrow if @totes4totes or @Erestor hasn’t already!