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13 hours ago, kitty_x said:

yes, long time!!

 

i'm good! congratulations on your thesis, i saw some things about that on fb.. i just miss this place, i was so sad when i found out everything was gone

Still not quite done with my thesis (well I'm done writing it) since i had to delay it. 

 

And yeah, it was really sad when everything disappeared but at least some of us stayed! And that's what really counts. But it's bittersweet. 

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Ranking the Vanderpump Rules Main Cast Members in the order that I'd sleep with them

After 8 seasons of Vanderpump Rules this is the only reasonable thing to do with all my energy. It's a comprehensive and mostly where they are now look but as you will see I will make a few exceptions in this ranking. 

 

#20: Jax Taylor

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At one point int this show's timeline Jax was objectively attractive. Unfortunately he has always been rotten to the core. And thankfully his years of steroid and cocaine usage (and his age) has finally been catching up to him making him look just as ugly on the outside. I'd only f*ck Jax for seven figures. He's so truly vile.

 

 

#19: Max Boyens

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Funny how he and Jax hate each other so much considering they are two of the most vile people on this show. Max only ranks higher than Jax because his misogynistic and homophobic and racist tweets were from years ago. Also he hasn't had 8 full seasons for me to loathe. He's also just so physically unattractive to me and I don't understand why everybody from Scheana to Dayna to KRISTEN wants his dick. 

 

 

#18: Brett Caprioni

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This dude is so lame and so boring there's not even a gif of him that I could quickly find. He also has a history of racist and sexist tweets so he can GTFO. I also feel gaslit when the show tries to portray him as the most attractive man who ever lived. He's higher than Max because he made me LOL when he inadvertently said out loud in public with Dayna sitting next to him that he doesn't have feelings for her. LOLOLOLOL. 

 

 

#17: Brittany Cartwright

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I wasn't sure who I was going to rank lower, Lala or Brittany, but went with Brittany because she's regularly letting Jax cum inside of her. When she first started on the show she was sweet and seemed to really be a good influence on Jax. But unfortunately his rotten core infected her and she's just short of as vile as he is. But somehow the cast isn't willing to go off on her. I'm also concerned about her constant drinking. 

 

 

#16: Lala "Lauryn from Utah" Kent

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Thankfully Rand isn't here. Rand and Jax organized a prank where Sandoval was fake arrested and then Lala repeatedly defended it. Anyway, Lala loves to culturally appropriate black culture (see the above head wrap) but is one of the worst cast members. Even though Lala is one of the only confirmed ladies who go down on other ladies, she ranks low because she's vile. She's the Brandi Glanville of VPR. 

 

Okay, now onto the much more reasonable people who are not as bad (but still probably bad but at least they aren't openly racist)

 

#15: Tom Schwartz

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Schwartz used to be waaaaaaay higher on my list. But as this season showed he's a total dick and Katie is actually the good one in that marriage. Schwartz's highlights include: throwing a drink in his future wife's face, getting regularly blackout drunk, being so afraid of commitment that he panic quit a job as a bartender at PUMP, telling his wife to cut the "SJW bullsh*t" when she was rightfully angry at fake arrest prank and blowing up at her. Schwartz definitely also just lays there during sex and you have to do all the work. So sorry Schwartz. You rank low now. 

 

 

#14: Peter Madrigal

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Schwartz is hotter. But Peter ranks higher because even though I'm not attracted to him at all (except that one season where he cut his hair and was dating a single mom) but he's just not that hot. Also he wasn't even interesting enough to get a permanent cast member spot despite appearing in every season and having hooked up with Katie and dating Stassi before Jax. 

 

 

#13: Dayna Kathan

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Dayna is so thirsty and so desperate to be on this show she actually comes off as so boring. I hated her storyline this season. So even though she's bisexual she has to be ranked low because she's so boring. Also she won't drop Max even after he threatened to have her fired for not sleeping with him. She's really pretty though. And honestly seems to be a fine person. Just stop being so thirsty for gross men! If she's on next season maybe she'll rise in the rankings. 

 

 

#12: Beau Clark

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I hope that Stassi gets a great pre-nup because Beau is riding on Stassi's coattails and though I think he's really into her I think he's really really really into the way that she can make him a D-list celebrity. He seems mostly inoffensive but he has (subjectively) ugly tattoos and also has filed for bankruptcy TWICE. 

 

 

#11: Scheana Marie

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Earlier seasons Scheana may rank higher but only right after the "Good as Gold" single came out. I think Scheana is objectively hot. But she's just really my type (allegedly she's John Mayer's type though!).

 

 

#10: Raquel Leviss

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Like Scheana, Raquel is objectively beautiful. She's just not really my type. I love how she doesn't give one iota of caring about how Lala speaks about her or treats her. She's wonderful. And I definitely think the show gives her a bad rep by portraying her as really dumb because at least she graduated college. HOW MANY OTHERS ON THIS SHOW CAN SAY THAT. 

 

 

#9: Danica Dow

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The only thing I know about Danica is that she's crazy. She brings kind of old Crazy Kristen energy so I'm into her being on this show. And I'm sure she will eventually rank higher when she grows on me more. Hopefully she gets bumped up to main cast next season. 

 

 

#8: Stassi Schroeder (Seasons 5-8)

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Stassi is the one cast member who is broken up. All of VPR is my problematic fave and I'd still sleep with Stassi no question, but I feel back half Stassi doesn't have the same fire and bitchy energy as early season Stassi. She feels very focused on her "basic" brand that feels a little forced. Like the bitch is right there in the background waiting to emerge. Anyway, she still has a way with a metaphor and I'd definitely go down on her. 

 

 

#7: Tom Sandoval

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Tom Sandoval ranks this low because he's objectively like the hottest guy on this show but again not really my type. Though when he has his shirt off and does his modeling he's so attractive. But also he has weird facial hair. I'm glad he finally dropped Jax as a friend though. I hope it sticks. Jax treats him like sh*t and Sandoval deserves sooooooo much better. He does have a lot of sexual energy and I think has really grown as a person on this show. So I actually feel like he should be higher but the top 6 is really so solid for me. 

 

 

#6: Charlie Burnett

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Charli will almost certainly rank higher after more seasons. Because she's a queen who REFUSES to bow down to the OG cast. She gives 0 f*cks about what they think. Bump her and Danica up to regulars and knock down Dayna, Max, and Brett. Charli is absolutely wonderful and I'd sleep with her in a heartbeat. 

 

 

#5: Ariana Madix

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Ariana is so hot and she only ranks at four because she's blonde. (Look I know early season Stassi is still to come. But that's different). Before this season I thought that Ariana has the greatest capacity to be an actually good person (and she's still ranked really high and is probably the best person of them all) and on a more objective list not bring in my personal weird tastes she'd be an easy number 1. Ariana is the only cast member I'd marry (though we wouldn't get married because neither Ariana nor I want that for ourselves) and raise a dog and a cat with. We'd live a cool life going to therapy and talking about our feelings and respecting each other. 

 

 

SPECIAL RANKING: Stassi Schroeder (Seasons 1,3,4)

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This is technically not a ranking and really early seasons Stassi could be lumped in with later seasons but I want to give a special exception to Season 2 Stassi so I have to separate her from Season 1, 3, 4 where Stassi is still fire and still "I'm the devil" Stassi and "I'm a princess" Stassi who pissed off LVP, who made every birthday about her, and who wasn't afraid to piss off and f*ck over every one of her friends for her twisted principles. I'd love to top this Stassi. 

 

 

#4: DJ James Kennedy

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DJ James Kennedy came and lit this show on FIRE. Starting with his clearly volatile relationship with Kristen and alcohol and ending with his devoted relationship with Raquel. He's so funny and has such great energy and I think seems AWESOME in bed. I want to make an entire list of just James Kennedy's finest moments. Because there are so many. DJ James Kennedy was perfect. 

 

Which leaves as the top three the now defunct Witches of WeHo. 

 

 

#3: Kristen Doute

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I am CONVINCED that Doute is FANTASTIC in bed. How else can you explain her relationship with Sandoval and James Kennedy and Jax and Max willing to throw friendships away to sleep with her. Or Brittany letting Kristen go down on her. I want like two weeks of passionate sex and volatile drunken hookups with Kristen and then I want to leave her life forever. She's nuts. In the best/worst way.

 

 

#2: Katie Maloney

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I've always thought Katie Maloney was really hot and not only is she coming off a great season for her (a season which inspired me to say "Katie Maloney is thriving in quarantine because that's all she's literally been doing like all year") she's shown a capacity to learn and grow as a person. I think she now seems to be the number 1 girl in terms of having the capacity to being a good person. Also she's just my type. Anyway, this is probably the most controversial opinion on my list.

 

 

#1: Season 2 Stassi Schroeder 

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Stassi looking a little bit more mature than Season 1 Stassi and still having all that energy. This time with a justified hatred for Jax and all of it culminating when she learns that her supposed BFF Kristen f*cked her ex-boyfriend not once but twice!!!!!!!!!! When Stassi slapped Kristen I felt it in my soul and my vagina. If I had a time machine that would allow me to travel to any point in time to have guaranteed sex with somebody I'd go back and have sex with brilliant, bratty, bitchy Season 2 Stassi Schroeder. 

 

 

 

 

Edited by totes4totes
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If the summer ends before it begins but the White moderates and the left have a new perspective on racial justice, anti-racism, and we start to end policing it will all be worth it! Small trade! Look at Minneapolis City Council getting a veto proof majority to work on disbanding the police!

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I AM DISTRAUGHT BUT NOT CHANGING MY VPR LIST. 

 

Kristen is that high because she's awful.

 

Stassi I think has a capacity to change if she's forced to. And she's being forced to. But KATIE AND ARIANA ARE THE NUMBER 1 GIRLS ON THE SHOW AND EVERYBODY ELSE CAN GET FIRED. I'd watch an entire show of just Katie lighting it up and talking about knitting for an hour with DJ James Kennedy and Raquel and Sandoval and Ariana. That's all who needs to be on this show anymore. 

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Just now, totes4totes said:

Honestly, as much as I love VPR and The Bravo Celebrity sphere, if they are going to be serious about standing with POC then these firings need to happen. 

 

They need to fire Jax ASAP. They need to not bring back Brandi Glanville because of sh*t she has said in the past. Way more people need to get the axe if they are really about showing their solidarity.

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4 minutes ago, Deeee said:

 

They need to fire Jax ASAP. They need to not bring back Brandi Glanville because of sh*t she has said in the past. Way more people need to get the axe if they are really about showing their solidarity.

They really won't fire some people because they are all about superficial solidarity. I believe they only fired Brett and Max because they can't not fire Kristen and Stassi for being super racist years ago and not not fire Brett and Max for being super racist years ago at the same time. 

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  • 2 weeks later...

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