The Onion Options

[carriefanforever]

This is my favorite website. It has hilarious spoof sports articles and I find myself going back & forth between a bunch of threads posting different articles, so I figured there should just be one thread for it.

Here's the latest NBA one:

NEW YORK—Officials from the Hawks, Celtics, and Heat expressed interest in Shaquille O'Neal as a person Wednesday, confirming league rumors that they believed the free agent center would be highly suitable for a long-term friendship. "We have made contact with Shaq's camp and have told his people that we would love for him to meet with us, and just hang out and stuff," said Atlanta Hawks president Bob Williams, adding that he was impressed with O'Neal's passion and the sense of humor he displayed in Cleveland. "Our scouts feel that even after all these years, Shaq can still contribute in small ways, especially at parties and informal get-togethers. Say what you want about him, but he's the kind of guy you want to call up and watch a basketball game with." O'Neill told reporters he's ready to make a commitment to friendship for $8 million per year.

Post your favorite articles, new and old.

http://www.theonion.com/section/sports/

[carriefanforever]

http://www.theonion.com/articles/the-nfls-...ed-rules,18105/

Football may have the most complex rule set of any sport, as the Lions found out last Sunday when a game-winning catch was disallowed. Here are a few other examples:

- In order to meet with league requirements, the home team should have 36 balls for outdoor games and 24 for indoor games, all of which must be available for testing with a pressure gauge by the referee two hours prior to the start of the game. Jesus Christ

- On a kickoff, the clock does not start until the ball has been legally touched by a player; if it is illegally touched, the player is sent to prison for life, although the clock still starts

- There are 45 seconds between plays. Sounds simple enough, but as the clock ticks down, players have to shout out what each second is divided by three or face a 10-yard penalty

- Players must catch the ball with the NFL logo right-side-up and facing the cameras in order for the reception to be ruled complete

- Balls are to be spotted short for the Lions until a majority of officials on the field determine it's no longer funny, at which point the Lions automatically forfeit

- The pylons and goalposts extend upward infinitely until they finally reach another universe where football is played sideways

- Following a touchdown, players may spike, spin, or roll the football, though no rolls may contain a spinning motion and no spun balls may be rolled after the spin is completed; either results in a loss of touchdown.

- By rule, the exact definition of pass interference shall forever remain as mysterious as the definition of love and elusive as the definition of beauty

I love the Lions & NFL logo ones the most.