The Matt Diaz Facts Thread Options

[DiAnAmItE4LiFe]

The Matt Diaz Facts Thread



Matt Diaz is a beast. Period. And this thread will be filled with lots of facts about him! I'll probably update the first post a lot. Feel free to add your own! Oh and I didn't make up most of these. I got them from a ~source~. I'll never tell.

DID YOU KNOW?

1. Sometimes Matt Diaz drives into oncoming traffic because he loves hitting.
2. Somewhere, Matt Diaz just hit something.
3. I once read that Matt Diaz struck out, but I won't believe it unless I see it.
4. Did you know that today is Matt Diaz's birthday? His other birthdays are January 5th, November 9th, and October 7th.
5. There is no park that is tough enough to handle Matt Diaz.
6. Actually, there is one park tough enough to handle Matt Diaz. The park is called Sequoia National Park. It is located a few hours north of Los Angeles.
7. Brad Pitt did not play the lead in "Troy". Matt Diaz did.
8. Matt Diaz once watched the movie Terminator 2: Judgement Day on VHS. He thoroughly enjoyed it. Once again a story ensues... I'll remove the details, but Arnold Schwarzenegger ended up pregnant. To do a cover-up of what had happened, Arnold filmed the movie "Junior".
9. Matt Diaz pisses excellence.
10. This is probably already common knowledge, but Matt Diaz's last name is pronounced the way it is due to the abnormal amount of things that he has killed in his life.
11. Matt Diaz hates Fergie.
12. Matt Diaz hates gambling. Betting against Matt Diaz is a gamble. You don't want Matt Diaz to hate you, do you?
12. Matt Diaz secretly sleeps with every woman in the world once a month. As a result, they bleed for a week.
13. Matt Diaz once shot an enemy plane down with his finger, by yelling, "Bang!"
14. God created the earth... guess who created God?
15. God said let there be light and then came Matt Diaz.
16. "There is no crying in baseball", except when pitchers see Matt Diaz in the on deck circle.
17. And on the 7th day, Matt Diaz rested.
18. Matt Diaz could take out Jack Bauer and Chuck Norris in one swing.
19. Matt Diaz found the Titanic... he also sunk it.
20. Baseballs have nightmares about Matt Diaz.
21. For a long time, people who would catch Matt Diaz's home run balls would wonder why their hands were wet after the catch. It was later discovered that Matt's home run balls piss themselves out of fear.
22. Matt Diaz ran so fast that he went back in time to the High Middle Ages where he not only single-handedly stopped the Mongol invasion of Europe, but he also ended the Black Death.
23. Matt Diaz is actually Ty Cobb. Back in 1930 he invented a way to stop the aging process using nanotechnology. He also invented human cloning. He created a clone of himself to become the new Ty Cobb. Then he took the magic potion and moved to the caribbean to hide out for a few decades.
24. It is believed that dinosaurs are extinct due to a giant meteor. This is true if you consider Matt Diaz to be a giant meteor.
25. Matt Diaz can say "Boy Scouts of America" on one burp.
26. Matt Diaz's tears can cure cancer. Unfortunately for the world, Matt has never cried.
27. Matt Diaz has been forbidden from entering all Target stores. The reason for this is because every time he walks in, he immediately goes to sporting goods and picks up a baseball bat. He then proceeds to destroy every object in the store with a Target bullseye logo on it.
28. Matt Diaz carved his bat from the cherry tree George Washington chopped down.
29. Matt Diaz is Luke Skywalker's real father.
30. Matt Diaz was one of the ooompa ooompas in the original Charlie and the Chocolate Factory.
31. Matt Diaz was the one who dreamed up putting a creamy filling between two chocolate cookies. He also invented the pizza.
32. Matt Diaz shot a man in Reno, just to watch him die.
33. This just in... the National Hurricane Center will list all future hurricanes as Roman numerals, preceded by the words "Matt Diaz". The reason? The words "Matt Diaz" are universal for powerful storm. Matt Diaz I is developing in the Atlantic as we speak. This summer/fall should be a very busy hurricane season.
34. Matt Diaz controls Willie Harris with his mind.
35. Matt Diaz no longer celebrates 4:20, because he wanted to be a better role model to the hundreds of kids he has fathered.
36. Matt Diaz is okay with small talk.
37. Matt Diaz hates when people don't understand sarcasm on the internet.
38. Matt Diaz is classy like a librarian.
39. Matt Diaz puts his pants on both legs at a time while shagging fly balls.
40. To balance out the awesomeness... Matt Diaz has never helped an old lady cross the street.
41. If you have five dollars and Matt Diaz has five dollars, Matt Diaz has more money than you.
42. Apple pays Matt Diaz 99 cents every time he listens to a song.
43. Matt Diaz counted to infinity - twice.
44. Jesus walked on water, but Matt Diaz swam through land.
45. Matt Diaz can slam a revolving door.
46. Matt Diaz won super bowls VII and VIII singlehandedly before unexpectedly retiring to pursue a career in ass-kicking.
47. Matt Diaz can go 4-4 even when he doesn't start.
48. Matt Diaz once threw his jock in Andruw Jones's face after a game. Needless to say, Andruw was almost crushed and suffocated.
49. Matt Diaz doesn't disappoint. He removed that word from his vocabulary.
50. Matt Diaz doesn't choose his words. Words choose him.
51. Matt Diaz openly admitted that he wasn't rooting for Willie Harris on the plays he made against the Mets.
52. Matt Diaz is breaking in a new bat today. Better stay indoors.
53. Matt Diaz thinks he should be paid more than Andruw Jones. He told me telepathically.
54. Matt Diaz has never punched a tourist even if he deserved it.
55. Matt Diaz and Willie Harris are twin brothers.
56. Matt Diaz and Willie Harris are making the long awaited sequel to Black Hammer White Lightning. In case you don't know what movie that is, it's the one spoofed in Major League II.
57. "Matt Diaz is grrrrrrrrreat!" - Tony The Tiger
58. When Matt Diaz is on the bench he controls some minds for fun. He is usually responsible for a hit or two.
59. When Matt Diaz is on the bench it becomes the 10th position on the field.
60. August 20th will be known forevermore as MATT DIAZ DAY, the day where he goes 5-5 with 3 homers and gets benched for a platoon in the last game of the series.
61. When Matt Diaz does a pushup, he isn't lifting himself up, he's pushing the Earth down.
62. When Matt Diaz hits a solo home run, it counts as two.
63. Matt Diaz is where line drives go to die.
64. Matt Diaz doesn't like it when his thread hasn't been posted in since Andruw Jones' birthday.
65. Matt Diaz temporarily passed on his superpowers to Martin Prado... think about it.Matt Diaz is so incredible that other players sit beside him on the bus and jets just hoping to get some 'Diaz' rubbed off on them.
66. Matt Diaz is so humble and under-appreciated that he can have the highest OPS on a major league baseball team, and people label him as a 'good pinch-hitter'.
67. Matt Diaz is so good, it only takes him 20 minutes to watch 60 minutes.
68. Matt Diaz is so good he can't even burn toast.
69. Matt Diaz is so good, dogs gladly give up their bone to him.
70. Matt Diaz is so good that he wrote, directed, starred in, produced, edited, and created the soundtrack for the made-for-TV movie 'Matt Diaz: I'm Really That Awesome'. It won every award for the rest of time.
71. Matt Diaz is so good he once shot an 18 on the golf course.
72. Matt Diaz is so good that he wrote Sgt. Peppers and let the Beatles lay claim to it.
73. Matt Diaz is so good he spends his off seasons in Cuba where he plays a double-header everyday, and actually pitches (while playing left field) and coaches every game.
74. Matt Diaz is so good, Tiger Woods asks him for advice on women.
75. Matt Diaz has so much power that he once hit a homerun that broke through the fabric of space-time and disappeared. It is rumored that the ball went back in time and started the big bang, created a paradoxical universe that begs the question... what came first, the Matt Diaz or the universe?
76. Matt Diaz is so good, he knows who is naughty and nice. And, he only has to check his list once.
77. Matt Diaz is so good his batting average was infinity...twice.
78. Matt Diaz is so good he invents new crossword puzzles during the 7th inning stretch.....and then solves them before he goes back onto the field.
79. Matt Diaz has been ghostwriting Bruce Springsteen's songs for years.
80. Matt Diaz is so good, when he does strike out, the umpire says "STRIKE THREE... if ... that's ... okay with you, Matt."
81. Matt Diaz is so good, a high speed camera can photograph the baseball crying when it's being pitched to him.
82. Matt Diaz is so good, when he does his back stretch before the pitch, storm clouds form over the pitcher's mound.
83. Matt Diaz is so good, at his arbitration meeting, all his representative said was "He's Matt Diaz," and the arbitrator awarded him the net profits of MLB for that year.
Matt Diaz has his own personal stairway to heaven, which he uses to work out daily.
84. Matt Diaz is so good that after taking a drug screen he was informed by MLB that he had tested positive for steroids. He just laughed and exclaimed "Of course I tested positive, what do you think they make steroids from?!"
85. Matt Diaz is so good that he doesn't have to wear a watch, he simply decides what time it is.
86. If Matt Diaz is ever late, time better slow the f*ck down!
87. Matt Diaz can swing the baseball and hit the bat 450 feet.
88. Matt Diaz is so good that he once hit a HR off his chin. Randy Johnson was confused by the back stretching move Matt takes at the plate. Randy thought Matt was preparing to get out of the way of a high heater. Little did Randy know Matt was goading him in. Matt leaned back. Randy pitched. Matt leaned forward. The rest is history.
89. Matt Diaz is so good the Japanese have called him to help with their Toyota problems. The new names under consideration are: Diazota, Toydiaz, Diyota, Mattota, Toyomatt, Toyoaz, Mattyota, or the most popular choice - MattToy.
90. The Braves spring training games have been canceled because a Matt Diaz homerun from last year's spring training returned to Earth and blew a 50 foot crater in the middle of the Disney Wide World of Sports Complex.
91. This whole time, Matt Diaz hasn't been sleeping. He has been waiting.
92. If Matt Diaz wants a deer on his wall, he doesn't kill the deer, the deer dies for him to gain the privilege of being on Matt Diaz's wall.
93. Matt Diaz is so good that before each baseball game, Major League Baseball requires that he be injected with fourteen times the lethal dose of elephant tranquilizer.
94. Matt Diaz is so good, Hank Aaron celebrates Matt Diaz on Jackie Robinson Day.
Matt Diaz is so good that the Braves non-tendered him, knowing he would win a $1 billion salary in arbitration.
95. Matt Diaz is so good that the cause of the Russian space station Mir crashing to earth was actually from a ball hitting the station that was sent into orbit from a Matt Diaz homerun.
96. Matt Diaz is so good, he gets in the sun's eyes.
97. Matt Diaz is so good, on the back of his baseball card is just the symbol for infinity.
98. A Matt Diaz homerun from 2007 crashed through my window while I was typing this.
99. When news of Matt Diaz being non-tendered hit, 25% of the homes in Atlanta went on the market. His fans await word of his next team so they know where to move.
100. Santa Claus was killed last June by a Matt Diaz out of the park homerun... there will be no presents this year.
101. It used to be actor or actress, but that morphed into just actor. From now on, all actors will call themselves Diaz. Cameron Diaz will then be known as a diaz Diaz.
102. When Matt Diaz is leaning backwards during an at-bat, he's checking out the catcher's sign reflecting off the second baseman's sunglasses. Then he swings at a different pitch to give the pitcher a chance.
103. It is so interesting watching the animals when Matt Diaz is at the zoo... you just have to see it for yourself. The zookeepers are astounded.


MORE TO COME!

This post has been edited by DiAnAmItE4LiFe: Dec 5th 2010, 9:57 PM

[carriefanforever]

I laughed 0% of the time while reading these unrealistic "facts" about "Matt Diaz".

[DiAnAmItE4LiFe]

I laughed 0% of the time while reading these unrealistic "facts" about "Matt Diaz".